Confessions of a Mask - Yukio Mishima

Story Summary:

Confessions of a Mask, a novel by Yukio Mishima, tells the story of Kochan, an adolescent boy growing up in Japan around World War II, and his struggle with sexuality; Kochan desires social acceptance, but sees himself as fundamentally different from his peers due to his inherent sexual desire towards men and inability to force a similar desire toward women.

Reflections:

Kochan, the narrator of Confessions of a Mask, continually plays with agency when describing his life experiences. Many sentences contain diction suggesting agency—I did this, I did that. Sentences devoid of agency are just as frequent—This happened to me, I had no control over it. Oftentimes Kochan strips himself of agency intentionally, as a way of shirking responsibility for an action he feels is shameful. At other moments, Kochan’s refusal to accept agency deepens his sense of responsibility for a shameful event. While there are exceptions, the overarching theme throughout the text seems to be that Kochan describes himself in a position of agency when trying to accomplish an act he believes to be socially acceptable, even though this action he so desperately tries to take credit for is generally an act and goes against his entire being. Conversely, Kochan uses diction rejecting agency when he performs an innate, natural, and honest action—one that’s considered shameful in the society he’s a part of.

When facing a homosexual—and therefore socially shameful—desire, Kochan uses diction that suggests he is simply a victim to the forces working upon him, rather than taking agency for his sexuality and desire. When infatuated with Omi, Kochan says, “I was being tempted, not by the desire for possession, but simply by unadorned temptation itself” (72). He develops an erection while watching Omi in gym one day, and comments that, “It was enough to make me blush with shame,” and he was “afraid the other boys might notice what had happened to me.” All three of these sentences suggest an outside force that Kochan has no control over; he was “being tempted,” the feeling “made” him blush, and his natural physical response was described as a shameful act that “happened” to him. While describing his habit of masturbation, Kochan says, “My bad habit only grew the worse” (97). Although Kochan is clearly in control of this action, he sees the practice as shameful, and therefore he bestows responsibility on the shameful force rather than himself. Kochan uses this diction as a means of assuaging the shame he feels; because the action happened to him, rather than himself taking control of the action, he cannot be at fault for the shameful desires that he experiences.

Similarly, Kochan gives himself agency when trying to correct the “shameful” acts; he uses diction that suggests he is in control to gain a sense of social acceptance. After becoming aroused by Omi, Kochan says, “Then I told myself that I was no longer in love with Omi” (79). Kochan accepts agency for this action; he decides that he isn’t in love with Omi, which contrasts the “shameful” feeling that “happened” to him previously. He takes similar action in order to feel accepted by his peers during their discussion of women. Although Kochan feels no sexual desire for woman, he feels like he should; Kochan actively writes, “So in order to make my conversation consistent with my friends’, I cultivated an artificial ability to make the same association of ideas as they” (109). Kochan takes responsibility for this action; once again, a decision is made to adhere to social norms, which contrasts the shameful acts he claims to have no control over.

When it’s brought to Kochan’s attention that he is, in fact, responsible for some of his “shameful” acts, he panics and questions his sense of agency. Kochan sees that his anemia may have been caused by “self-pollution” and says, “I could feel my heart pounding with shame” (92). Here, Kochan realizes that an act he had previously described as passive and out of his control was actually his own fault, and he resumes the position of agency by acknowledging “self-pollution.” In another instance, Kochan questions whether his refusal to accept agency is the actual reason for his shameful tendencies, saying, “Was it out of laziness that I had no such dreams [of women]?” (111). The diction Kochan uses to describe his sense of responsibility and agency for his actions often reflects both how he and society view a possibly “shameful” act.

Words: 684

Zami: A New Spelling of My Name - Audre Lorde

Story Summary:

Zami: A New Spelling of my Name by Audre Lorde is a biomythography that tells the story of Audre’s life growing up as an African American in segregated America and her struggles with race, gender, and sexuality, as well as an account of the women who became her friends and lovers and their deep impact upon her life.

Reflections:

In Zami: A New Spelling of my Name, Audre can recollect and identify certain situations and people from her childhood based upon the way that they smelled. For example, Audre recalls shortly after the attack on Pearl Harbor that: “I could tell something real and terrible had happened from the smell in the living-room air” (53). These smells remain as stronger and more permanent memories than those she gained from either sight or sound, perhaps due to her hindered vision. Furthermore, the strong scents are generally unconsciously connected to either Black or white, which deepens the level of separation between the two races as it attaches a more negative sentiment to white and positive sentiment to Black.

There are several moments within Audre’s childhood where she associates a smell with something white in a negative way. On page 60, after being forced to stay after school to practice Latin (something a white teacher made her do, but that the other white students were not required to do), Audre recalls: ”Sometimes on Wednesday nights I would dream of the white, acrid-smelling mimeograph sheet” (60). Here, not only is Audre associating a smell with a negative experience induced by white people, she’s negatively associating the smell with the concept of “white” as a whole. Even the mimeograph sheet is white, and its “acrid” scent proves its unpleasantness.

Conversely, Audre associates positive smells with Black people or things. When she was a child, she remembers her mom as “She breathed exuded hummed the fruit smell of Noel’s Hill morning fresh and noon hot,” and associating these things with home and family (13). She also remembers close times with her mother, and “the warm mother smell caught between her legs” (33). These smells have a wholly positive connotation, and their connection to “Black” further separates them from the negative “white” smells. On page 36, Audre even changes an object from white to black with vanilla extract, saying, “I loved the way the rich, dark brown vanilla scented the flour clay” (36). Here the difference between the concepts of “Black” and “white” is painfully obvious, and once again attached with a strong olfactory sense. Audre remembers the “dark” brown vanilla scent changing the white clay from something too white and undesirable to something entirely pleasant.

The difference between “white” smells and “Black” smells is made very obvious on page 60, when Audre’s classmates tell her that she “stinks,” and her teacher further reinforces this fact: “She told me she felt it was her christian duty to tell me that Colored people did smell different from white people, but it was cruel of the children to write nasty notes because I couldn’t help it” (60). While the other smells associated with white and Black were unconsciously attached to a negative or positive sentiment, respectively, this experience brings blatant attention to the problematic associations. By asserting that Black people inherently smell very different than white people, the teacher is making the rift between the two concepts even deeper than the unconscious associations had. This statement makes it the other scent associations no longer seem accidental, but intentional and without hope for change. Although this observation does not remain true much further past Audre’s childhood, as she establishes entirely positive relationships with whites, the positive and negative associations connected to “black” and “white” scents in her childhood mark those years and still leave a lasting “scent” throughout her life.

Words: 571